“We need to talk.” Paul said, entering the kitchen and finding Brian drowning his sorrows in an ice cold A&W. “But not here. You know I’m not any good in the kitchen.” Paul added, grabbing Brian’s hand and taking him to the swing on the back porch.

They sat in silence for, what seemed like, an eternity. The wind bustling through the trees and the sound of crickets chirping were the only noises to break the deafening silence between them. Neither man being able to find the courage or the right words to express the feelings in their hearts. This was the moment they had both longed for and dreaded all in the same breath. A chance to make it right again, or bury everything they’d both dreamed of. Brian was the first one to break the silence. “Paul,” Brian said, taking a ragged breath. “I understand if you never want to see me again....”

“Stop.” Paul said, cutting Brian off abruptly. “How could you even think that?”

Brian flinched, hearing the underlying anger in Paul’s voice. “You read my letter.” Brian said, desperately trying to hold the tears and the urge to beg Paul for forgiveness at bay. “You know what I did. I lied to you. What kind of relationship could we have had? It was based on lies.”

“It wasn’t based on lies, Brian.” Paul said, turning himself on the swing to look Brian in the eye. “It was based on love, desire, passion, respect... I could go on and on. I just don’t know where it went wrong. I mean, one day we’re crazy for each other and the next we barely got to see each other.”

“I’ll tell you what happened, Paul.” Brian said, letting the first tear slowly glide down his cheek. “I happened. Lortab happened. Vicodin happened. Oxycotton happened. I wasn’t strong enough to put them down, and in return I let you down.”

“You didn’t let me down.” Paul said, throwing caution to the wind and taking Brian’s hand in his. “We let each other down. You weren’t strong enough to put the pills down and I wasn’t strong enough to help you. Brian, you were....” Paul’s voice trailed off a brief second. “are my life. Every day without you has seemed like an eternity. There’s some mornings I can’t even will myself out of bed. Hell, half the time I wake up and roll over, expecting you to be there with me. I’m not scared of my dreams anymore, I’m scared of my life.”

“What do you mean you’re scared of you life?” Brian said. “You’re still in the WWE. Hell you just wrestled for the world heavyweight title.”

“You don’t get it, do ya?” Paul said. Letting go of Brian’s hand he stood and started to pace. “When we first split up, I’d have dreams that you overdosed on something and were layin’ dead somewhere. Or that you’d hooked up with someone who was just feeding you drugs all day long, slowly killing ya. Then I saw you on TNA. That’s when my dreams changed. I started having dreams that we were back together, and everything was alright again. It was like Heaven. Then I’d wake up, and you weren’t there. It was like falling from Heaven into Hell every morning.”

Brain sat there not believing what he was hearing. Paul actually missed him. “I never knew that you felt that way.” Brian said, finally letting the reality that Paul was still in love with him wash over his body. “I always just assumed that you went on. I thought you’d found someone and you were happy.”

Paul stopped pacing. “What?” He said, sitting next to Brian on the swing again. “You actually thought that I could just move on from you? That it didn’t tear my heart to shreds when I walked out of that room that night? Brian, no one could ever take your place. I know, for a while I searched high and low for someone that could. No one was good enough.”

“Then why didn’t you call me when you saw me on TNA?” Brian said, letting the tears flow freely down his cheeks.

Paul couldn’t stand it any longer. Seeing Brian cry was ripping his heart out again. “I thought the same thing.” He said, pulling Brian into an embrace. “You looked so happy, I thought you’d found someone else.” Brian wanted to respond, but couldn’t find the strength. The feel of Paul’s arms wrapped around him was too overpowering. He couldn’t bare to pull himself away. Paul was in Heaven, breathing in Brian’s scent, when the thought hit him. “Did you?”

“Did I what?” Brian said, muffled against Paul’s chest.

Paul took a deep breath in, not really wanting to know the answer to the question burning in his mind. “Did you find someone else?”

Brian quickly broke the embrace, feeling it wouldn’t be the last one. “No.” He said, drying is tears. “Paul, you know me, after you there couldn’t be anyone else. I tried finding someone too, but no one loved me like you did.”

“You mean, like i do.” Paul said, pulling Brian into another embrace.

Brian’s head was swirling with emotion. This was too good to be true. There was just one more thing he had to know. “What about Test, though?” Brian said, moving his head so Paul could hear him and he wouldn’t have to repeat himself.

Paul took a deep breath. He didn’t want to deal with the unpleasant subject of Andrew Martin on the same night he finally got to hold Brian again. But, he understood that that these things needed to be worked out if they wanted to return to the life they had before the drugs. “I don’t believe you asked for it.” Paul said, replaying that part of Brian’s letter over in his head. That’s when it dawned on him. There wasn’t anything that Test did to Brian that Paul hadn’t done himself. Paul grew quiet.

“Paul, I’m sorry.” Brian said, pulling away. “I never meant to cheat on you.” Brian stood and started to walk away. That’s when he heard a tiny sob come from Paul. Brian turned to look at Paul. He almost became sick when he saw the look of hurt in his eyes. “I never meant to hurt you.”

Paul looked up at Brian, slight confusion written on his face. “You didn’t hurt me, Brian.” He said, trying to control his own agony. “You said I didn’t rape you? What’s the difference between what I did to you and what Andrew did? I had sex with you even though you were under the influence. So did he. You didn’t know what was going on with either of us. So if he raped you, and I know he did, that means I raped you too.” Paul broke down into uncontrollable sobs.

Brian rushed to Paul’s side, gathering the big man in his arms. “The difference is, you did it out of love. You just wanted to be with me. Test did it because he had a hard on and I was an easy target.” Brian said, kissing the top of Paul’s head as Paul sobbed into his chest. “I don’t blame you. I thank the Lord everyday that I had someone in my life with that kind of love and passion for me. Don’t cry Paulie. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Paul allowed Brian to sooth him, neither man wanting the embrace to end. “No one’s called me that since we split up.” Paul said, no moving from his position in Brian’s arms. “I forgot how sweet it sounds coming from you.”

“Well, I forgot how good you feel in my arms.” Brian said, squeezing Paul a little tighter. The two sat on the porch swing holding each other watching the sky grow lighter. “Why don’t we go inside and get some sleep. I’m sure Kip will be calling this afternoon to see how things went.” Brian said, standing up and taking Paul’s hand.

“Are you sure you want me to stay?” Paul said, allowing Brian to pull him to his feet.

“I’m sure.” Brian said, leading Paul into the house. “And I promise I’ll be there when you wake up this time.”