It was a commonly known fact, Greg Helms was injured. Everyone from the top brass at WWE to the fan sitting in front of their computer at home knew. Another fact, that was not so widely known, was that there were complications to his injury. Sure, the company knew and I’m sure the fans that trolled the internet were aware of something, but I’m sure no one knew the severity of it. Greg kept that fact away from everyone, even his best friend, my brother, Matt Hardy. Everyone would ask Matt how Greg was, and all he’d say was ‘Greg’s doin’ good man.’ or some other lie that Greg was telling everyone. As far as I can tell, there was only one person that knew what was really going on, and that was me.

Now, I’ve read my fair share of fan fiction, and I must say that there’s a lot of good work out there. Sometimes I wish life was like what I read on the internet, but it’s not. In real life, the WWE isn’t really accepting of alternate lifestyles. In other words they really don’t like it when two of their superstars are dating each other, especially when the two that are dating are both men. So we don’t tell anyone. Greg uses keeps a post office box in Smithfield, the city he’s billed from, to keep up the charade that that’s where he lives. In all actuality, he lives in Cameron, in the Imagi-Nation, with me. At work, we’re just great friends, but when the tours are over and the last fan has their autograph and picture, it’s just him and me, chillin’ at the house.

I guess the reason I’m writing all this down is because I don’t have anyone I can talk to about all this, and writing has always been sort of an outlet for my emotions, which I have to many of. I love Greg with all my heart and soul. He’s the one I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with, and it’s that reason that I feel like an abominable human being right now. Sitting here on this plane, I’m hoping for bad weather, or an engine malfunction, or any small circumstance that can delay my arrival home. It’s not that I don’t want to be with him, that’s the only place I ever want to be, but I called him right before boarding, and he’s having a bad day. I don’t mean the kind of bad day where your car breaks down and then you loose your wallet. I’m talking about the kind of bad day where he can’t get out of his chair. The kind of bad day where he sits there crying, in agony, afraid to take another pain pill because he doesn’t want to become another wrestling statistic. I know when I get home, all I’m going to feel is helplessness and frustration, because there’s nothing I can do for him.

When I walk through the door, the best that I can hope for, is that he’s putting on a brave face for me. He doesn’t do that very often, because he knows I’m always gonna be there for him, but sometimes I think he sees the hurt in my eyes and tries to act like he’s alright, when I know he’s not. The worst thing I could find, is him, sitting in his chair, writhing, trying to find a position that will alleviate the pain he’s in. I really hope that no one else ever has to see the love of their life go through something like this. It’s at times like these I feel totally helpless. There’s nothing I can do for him, but sit and hold him, let him cry on my shoulder. Damn, I’m a selfish bastard! My love is going through all this pain and fear, not knowing weather his career is over or not, and all I can think of is, I don’t want to feel helpless or frustrated. I told you, I’m detestable.

The thing that makes me truly hate myself though, are the times when he’s screaming or crying for me, and the only thought that goes through my head is ‘I wish he’d just shut up.’ What kind of person am I? He’s the love of my life, I should have compassion for him, and I do most of the time. But after two days of him crying, and the pills not working, and the doctors doing nothing, I just start feeling like I want it all to just go away. I want things back to normal! I want to go shopping with him, I want us to cook dinner together the way we used to. I hope that the anger I feel at those times isn’t really directed at him, but more the situation. I don’t know, though, I don’t have time to think about it.

Since he got hurt, I haven’t had time to do much of anything. I’m always on the road, or taking care of him. There’s no time for painting or writing or riding my bikes, or anything else that could get me away from life for a minute. He’s so scared and, since no one else knows how bad it is, I’m the only one that can comfort him. I’d comfort him the rest of my life, if I had to. But that’s not the only thing that I have to do. I have to run the entire house. I have to cook, and clean, and do everything by myself, with no help in site. I know it sounds horrible, but sometimes I think I know what a single mother feels like. I just feel so alone. Even though he’s right there with me, I still feel totally alone.

I live for his good days though. Sometimes, when we wake up, he’ll be feeling great. Most of the time that’s when I take a shower, and cry. It just seems like some kind of cruel joke. I get to see a glimpse of the old Greg, my sugar, and then the next day, he’s taken away again. I think I might be able to handle it, if he was down all the time, but this roller coaster ride that I’m on is driving me crazy. One day good, two days bad... I just never know what I’m in for that day.

Here’s another horrible thought. I miss sex. Everything Greg’s going through and I’m worried about getting off. The totally repulsive thing, though, is that someone at work has been making passes at me, and I’m starting to like it. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather slit my own wrists than to cheat on Greg, but let’s face it, when you have to be a nurse at home and suddenly Mr. Main Event at work, when a guy like Triple H starts showing you some attention, your eye’s gonna wander. I had a dream last night that I was dating Trips. He took care of me, he spoiled me, he pampered me, he made me feel sexy, he even protected me. When I woke up, I was filled with such anger that the dream was over. I tried to go back to sleep, just to capture those feelings again, but I’m sure you know that never happens.

I just feel so horrible for these thoughts running through my head. I wish I had someone to tell me that it’s all just human nature, but Greg doesn’t want anyone knowing how bad he is, and I vowed to keep that secret. So there’s no one that knows what I’m going through. I even try to keep all this from Greg. I know I don’t do a very good job of it sometimes, because I get cross with him. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. I don’t have to courage to leave him, but I really think that Greg deserves someone better than me. He deserves someone who can take care of him, and not think about their selves. To loose him would kill me, but he really deserves better.

The plane’s about to land, so I guess I gotta wrap this up. I just pray that either God cures him, or gives me the strength to be the man that Greg needs and deserves right now.