My eyes fluttered open, the early morning sunlight burning them, the wretched stench of whiskey still hung heavy in the air. My body felt like it had been run over by a truck, or thrown off a cliff, or any of the other atrocities I’d imagined would take this pain away. It’s a feeling that’s been repeated most mornings for the past couple of years. Ever since the morning I awoke to his absence. That was the morning something inside of me died, and it’s been dying a little more every morning since. This morning is no different than the rest. I’m laying here, trying to will myself out of bed. Thinking of all the people that count on me on a daily basis, hoping that will be enough to force me to go on.

Anyone that knows me, knows not to bother me before noon. That’s when I wake up in their eyes. That’s because I’ve had two years to convince them that I’m fine. I’ve had two years to lead them to believe that I’m not still hung up on my best friend. Hiding pain has become so second nature to me that it’s become a personality trait. Everyone is amazed at how things seem to roll off my back, like water off a duck. I’ve stood toe to toe with almost everyone I work with, had them call me things that would have sent most men into a fit of rage, and laughed in their faces. My friends seem to think I’m some sort of hero, because I never loose my cool. Of course they don’t see me when I get home and it all breaks.

When I get home most nights, my three roommates know exactly what I need. Jack seems to know when I want to forget everything, including the pain my body and heart are going through. Jim is there when Jack isn’t. He’s not as good, but if I spend enough time with him, he does the trick. Jose seeks me out when it’s gotten bad enough that I need to let out the rage. He’s good at that. You probably know my roommates. Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, and Jose Cuervo. Luckily they all live in the cabinet. All those people in my house would drive me crazy. Trust me though, they’ve become my best friends at night when I’m alone, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. I guess it’s not just my gimmick that’s an alcoholic.

I didn’t always used to be like this. There was a time I was happy, in love, and completely content with the world. Every morning I would wake up excited, just because I knew I was gonna get to see him that day. I would spring out of bed, make sure that I looked my best before walking out the door. Even if we were just going to the gym, I’d have to dress to impress. It didn’t matter what we were doing, every time I was with him, I couldn’t quit smiling. I just knew I’d found the one. You know the one that your mom tells you about? That person that God put on this earth specifically for you. Yeah he was the one, I knew it in my heart.

I still don’t know what took me six months to make my move. Nerves I guess. I knew he was like me, you know preferred guys. Hell, that’s one of the reasons we became such good friends so quickly. Still I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that he was the most amazing man I’d ever met. One night, I guess I just couldn’t take it anymore. Chase had come to me whining about some guy that he’d dated for a couple of weeks. It’d been the same for a while. He’d find the biggest loser in town, start dating the jerk, and whine to me when it didn’t end up all wine and roses, like he expected it to. That’s the night it all broke loose.

I gently cupped his face in my hands, like I’d done dozens of times before. The only difference this time was that I kissed him. I didn’t just brush the tears off his face. There was an instant spark. I don’t mean the kind of spark that lead us straight to the bedroom. I mean the kind that leaves you breathless by just looking into the others eyes. The kind that lets you know, the minute your lips touch, that you would lay down your life for this person, if nothing more than to make them happy. We both sat there after the kiss subsided, just staring at each other. Both of us to afraid to speak. Chase got up and left, without saying a word.

All I remember, after he left, was this overwhelming fear. Fear that I had lost the man I loved and my best friend forever. I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was the most terrible feeling I can ever remember. It was even worse than the feeling I have now, laying in bed, missing him and needing him worse than the air in my lungs. I was just about to doze off that night, or should I say very early morning, when I heard a frantic knock on my door. I remember tripping over the coffee table when I got up from the couch and opening the door to see Chase standing there, tears in his eyes. The words he said that night still ring through my head and mostly my heart. “I’ve been looking everywhere for this feeling, and it’s been right under my nose the whole time. I didn’t even notice it ‘till you kissed me. James, I love you.”

That’s how it all started. From that minute on, everything we did seemed like a first, even if we’d done it a hundred times. Every time we kissed, it was new. Every time we made love, it was just like the first time. Everything was fresh and brand new. Sounds perfect right? Well, I guess it wasn’t. One day he came to me and spouted off some shit about us not acting like friends anymore, and everything we stood to lose if this didn’t work out. Then he said, “I think we should cool off for a little while, maybe see other people. I’d hate to lose you as a friend James.” And that’s what we’ve been ever since. Just friends.

My heart broke that day. Shattered, I guess, would be a more appropriate term. It’s taken two years to put it back together, and still it feels like there’s this gaping hole in it. But I made sure that when it got put back together, no one would ever get that close again. I’ve gone out on a date here and there, but I’m not as nice to guys as I used to be. I was always the southern gentleman, but no more. I just can’t take that chance anymore. I couldn’t live through something like this twice in a lifetime. I suppose you could say I went from the southern gentleman type to the love ‘em and leave ‘em type. Although fuck ‘em and leave ‘em is more correct.

“James.” I know that voice. That’s Chase’s best friend in the whole world, next to me, of course. That voice also belongs to my favorite little play thing. Andy Douglas. He’s the perfect man in my eyes right now. Not saying that I love him or anything, because that’s a road I refuse to travel down again. He’s perfect in the respect that he’s always available when I need him, if you know what I mean. He’s into just a little bit of pain, so he’s perfect when I’m pissed off and horney at the same time, which seems to be happening more and more these days. He just doesn’t seem to care how I treat him. And in my eyes, that’s damn near perfect.

“Andy, it’s only 10:30.” I said, as I tried to shield my eyes from the more intense light that flooded in through the, now open, curtains. “Have you lost your fucking mind?”

Andy rips the covers off of me, which normally I like, but today was different. “Don’t blame me Cowboy.” Andy said, rushing around the room gathering cloths up in his arms. “Blame Chase. He’s the one that scheduled his wedding for 1:00. Now, out of bed.” He said, grabbing my arm, trying to pull me up. “Whew, you definitely need a shower. How many bottles you drink last night?”

Ah, he knows me all to well. “Two.” I said, finally letting him pull me from the comfort of my bed, and gesturing to the two empty bottles beside my bed. “But, in my defense, I started early.”

“Jack and Jim, huh?” Andy said, wrapping his arm around my waist and guiding me towards the bathroom. “Two of my favorite men. In fact, I had quite the affair with them last night, myself.” We got to the bathroom and, without saying a word, Andy started to undress me. I’d passed out in my cloths the night before, so I’m sure this wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences for him, but that’s the kind of guy Andy is. His fingers worked their way through the buttons of my shirt with expert precision, sliding it off my shoulders when he was done, letting it pool at my feet. The jeans fell next, again his hands working with proficient skill. “You know after being around your stinky ass, I’m gonna need another shower myself.”

He chuckled at that comment, but after seeing him in his pink, button up shirt, and black dress pants, I was thinking the same thing. “You better hang those up when you take ‘em off.” I said, hooking my finger in the waistband of his pants. “You know Chase will have fit if we’re wrinkled. And God knows I’d hate to ruin his special fucking day.”

“You think we have time?” Andy said, starting to unbutton his shirt.

“With what I have to face today, we’ll make time.” I said. This is why I said Andy was the closest thing to perfect I was ever gonna find. He knew I still loved Chase. He knew that I just wanted him for sex. Let me rephrase that. I needed him for sex, and he didn’t care. It was almost as if he was in the same boat I was. When I looked into his eyes, I noticed the same desire, and want in them as my own, but no love. What we shared was not about love. When we were together, he knew I was thinking about someone else, and I had a strong feeling he was too. I just didn’t know who.

We stepped into the shower, and no words were needed. We both knew what the other one was there for. Andy grabbed the soap and hastily began to wash the smell of a two day drunken binge off of me. When we were together in a shower, it wasn’t really about getting clean, if you know what I mean. When I was cleansed to his satisfaction, he ran his fingers through my hair, pulled my head back and latched onto my neck. His teeth gently grazing my pulse point. My body responded immediately. I knew we didn’t have a lot of time, and I wasn’t about to waste what little time we had. I worked my fingers through his silken hair, pulling him off my neck. I knew Chase would be furious if I showed up with a mark on my neck, and Andy could give those marks like no one else on earth. I quickly turned him around and pressed his chest against the shower wall. Luckily Andy is the type of guy that doesn’t mind the occasional romp without being prepared. I entered him as quickly as I could, providing the fact that I didn’t exactly keep lube in my shower.

Andy hissed at the pain the sudden invasion caused, and that’s when I heard it. “Phillip.” The word passed his lips in a breathy moan. I knew immediately who he was talking about. CM Punk. I knew who Andy was thinking about, so I let my thoughts wander. It only took a few minutes for my fantasies to take over, and I was in the shower with Chase. I could see his blonde hair plastered against my chest, feel the weight of his head against me, and hear his moans of pleasure, as I pounded into him over and over again. The unique scent that was Chase filled the room as the steam rose from the shower. It was his name that was ripped from my throat as I felt my muscles tighten and then my body released with explosive power.

“James.” I heard Andy’s voice pulling me from the clouds my mind currently occupied. “We’re gonna be late.” I heard him say as he stepped out of the shower. I couldn’t help but wonder how long I’d been standing there, just dreaming of another man. When I finally snapped out of the daze I was in, I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, into the waiting arms of Andy, who wrapped me in a towel. “You gonna make it today?” He asked, drying me off and starting to get into his own cloths.

I briefly thought about what lay ahead of me today. Just the thought of watching Chase take vows with another man, made me sick to my stomach. “Is there gonna be alcohol at the reception?” I asked, trying to give Andy my best ‘I don’t give a shit’ smile.

“Open bar.” Andy said, as if he were just as happy as I was about that fact.

“Then I’ll be just fine.” I said, heading into the bedroom to put on the tuxedo that had been hanging in my closet since yesterday when I picked up.