He wasn’t the monster everyone thought he was. You’d never know it by looking at him, but he was the kindest, gentlest soul anyone could have ever met. And I met him. Hell I did more than meet him, I fell in love with him, and more amazingly than that, he fell in love with me. He showed me kindness no one ever had before. He was my lover, my protector, my confidant, hell he was my best friend.

I remember everything. I remember the long talks on the phone until all hours of the night. Talking about everything and nothing all at the same time. The moments stolen during pay-per-views. One of the rare times we got to see each other while we were on the road. The very little time we had at home,
with nothing else to do but hold each other. He made me feel safe and loved. I don’t think I’ll ever feel that again.

My reason for living is gone now. Stolen right out of my arms. Friends come by and try to offer their condolences. Their empty promises of “if there’s anything you need just let me know”. Well the only thing I need now is HIM. Don’t they understand that. I can’t go anywhere without someone looking at me with pity or putting their hand on my shoulder and telling me their sorry. Well I’m sorry too.

I’m sorry I don’t have the strength to go on anymore. He was my strength, my courage, and the reason I got out of bed every morning. I’m sorry I can’t just get over it like I’ve heard a lot of people say I should. How do you get over a man like that? It’s been a month, and I can’t get the picture out of my head. My beast laying there in that coffin, not moving, no expression on his face. He was stronger than anything, or anyone. He just wasn’t stronger than that truck that hit him.

“The accident” everyone keeps calling it. It wasn’t a fucking accident. It was a cruel joke from God. I used to love God. He gave me a wonderful man that I loved more than life itself. Come to find out it was only so he could take that man away from me and leave me alone. Leave me alone to die from heartbreak. I don’t love God anymore. I don’t love anything anymore.

The sun doesn’t shine as bright these days. The nights are colder and lonelier than I ever imagined they could be. I don’t hear laughter anymore. I don’t hear the birds singing outside the window every morning. I don’t see the happiness I used to in the world. He made me see all those things and much more. He made life so much sweeter with just his presence. I feel older now. This is a shitty way to grow up.

Until now, I felt like an innocent little child. Like nothing could ever get to me. He made me feel like that. Hell he didn’t even get upset when I would get my ass into trouble just to watch him bail me out. I loved it when he protected me that way. He spoiled me. Thought I could do no wrong. Hell that’s all I seem to be doing lately.

Jeff, Matt, Amy, and Shane are coming over today to help me go through his things. I don’t want them to, but they say it’s for the best. Don’t they think I know what’s for the best. I just want to live in this house the way it is. With his boots laying at the foot of the bed. With his cloths laying on the floor where he’d thrown them the last night we spent together. With his book laying on his bedside table with the dragon bookmark I bought him marking his page. I can almost fool myself into believing he’s coming home with the house like this.

When they get here, I’m gonna try to talk them out of it. I don’t want to box up his things, our memories. And what do I do with them when they’re boxed up? Am I suppose to throw them away? I couldn’t. It would be like throwing him away, and that would never happen. I don’t want to deal with this. Why did he have to travel that day. He didn’t have to, you know. The show wasn’t until the day after. He said it was a long drive and he wanted to relax a little when he got there. He kissed me goodbye. I still remember the last words I ever said to him. “fine just leave me then.” He just looked up at me from the car and smiled. That smile got to me every time. I just smiled back and said, “I love you.”

Well I still do angel. I love you. It hurts so much without you. But hopefully the hurt will go away soon. I’ve given this a lot of thought. I know I’ll be hurting a lot of people when I do this, and for that I am truly sorry. But I can’t go on with the pain anymore. I can’t live with only memories of you. My sweet Dave. My monster, my beast, my Batista.

I’ve already taken the pills. I’m starting to get tired now. I’m sitting here in a pair of your sweat pants and one of your t-shirts. I’m totally at peace knowing that I will see you soon my love. Until then, I’m going to lay down and sleep for the last time.

Jeff, Matt, Amy, Shane, I’m so sorry. If he wasn’t strong enough, what makes you think that I am? I love you all.


Love always,
Shannon Moore