I stepped onto the stage and listened for the music to start. I was out on a quadruple date with my friends and their men. Jeff was sitting there his boyfriend Glen Jacobs, Shane was sitting there with his life, Tyson Tomko. I swear Tyson is his life. It’s Tyson this and Tyson that every time you talk to him. It’s really pathetic. Anyway, then there’s Shannon and Sean. O’Hair that is. He protects Shannon like a mad man. Then there’s the whole reason why me, Matt Hardy, just stepped onto a stage to sing karaoke. Mark Calloway. Hey did you think that me loosing that looser leaves raw match was because I couldn’t beat Adam Copeland’s ass? I don’t think so. It was because I wanted to be closer to my husband.

You see I have this annoying little nickname for Mark and he absolutely hates it. He hates it so much, in fact, that he told me he’d kick my ass if I ever called him that in public. That’s why I’m standing here right now. I even worked it out with the DJ, so he wouldn’t announce the song I was going to sing. As the opening cords start to play, I look at him and I can tell he knows the song right off the bat.

Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart

Yeah, that’s it. I call Mark Calloway, buttercup. The first time I did it, he thought it was cute, but the more I did it the more he started to hate it. I made the dreaded mistake of calling him that in front of John Cena one time and John hasn’t let him live it down since. He even made a little rap about it. I don’t know how it goes but I guess it pissed Mark off pretty good.

I know what you’re thinking too. If I love Mark enough to marry him then why would I constantly call him something I know he doesn’t like? Well, my friends, my only answer is spice. I think he looks sexy when he gets that pissed off look on his face, and you’ve never had the pleasure of having sex with a pissed off Deadman before. Wait.... Maybe I should rephrase that. I meant a pissed off Undertaker before. Sorry didn’t want everyone thinking I liked fucking dead people or anything. Anyway, I can tell he’s getting prissier with every word I’m singing.

"I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again
But you're late, I wait around and then (bah-dah-dah)
I run to the door, I can't take any more
It's not you, you let me down again

(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time, and I'll make you mine
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo

Glen is sitting there laughing so hard he’s about to fall out of the chair. He loves seeing his best friend squirm, and I’m making him do plenty of it right now. Everyone else is laughing too. They all know my special name for Mark, and I was shocked to see that they had all joined me in singing the next part of the song. Still sitting at the table they all turned so they could help me sing this part straight to him.

Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart

Oh I can tell he’s seeing red now. I can also tell that he’s trying to keep the smile off his face. He claims to hate the nickname but deep down I know he loves it. I mean how many people would actually call a six foot ten, pro wrestler, buttercup? Not many I’ll tell you. So I know he loves it. The funny part of it is that this song does not fit us at all. He’s never let me down. Never. Every time he’s said that he would do something he’s done it. When he said that he would move to North Carolina after we got married, I figured he’d try and talk me into moving to Texas. He didn’t even try. The day we got back from our honeymoon, he called a moving company and two days later all his stuff was in North Carolina.

I’m always walking around the house singing this song though. He says he loves the way I sing. I don’t see it. Jeff’s the singer of the family not me, but Mark loves it anyway. He says I’m sexy when I sing. That’s another thing I don’t get. I don’t consider myself sexy, but Mark does.

I finished the song and went back to the table to sit next to my husband, who just glared at me and walked up to the DJ. Oh shit, I’m in trouble now.
***************************************************************************************************************************

Mark walked onto the stage just as the music started playing. Everyone at the table started laughing like some kind of hyenas. I was just sitting there turning redder by the second. I’d know this song anywhere. Mark grabbed the mic, as only Mark can grab a mic and began to sing.

I guess I should’ve known by the way U parked your car sideways
That it wouldn't last
See, U're the kinda person that believes in makin' out once
Love 'em and leave 'em fast
I guess I must be dumb cuz U had a pocket full of horses
Trojan and some of them used
But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it all right
And U say - "What have I got 2 lose?"

And honey, I say Little Red Corvette
Baby, U're much 2 fast (Oh)
Little Red Corvette
U need a love that's gonna last

Ever since I bought that car, Marks been walking around the house singing this song to me. I thought I’d put a stop to it one night. So I called him out to the garage, where I had laid myself provocatively across the hood of it. He walked out there, and it didn’t take us long before we were getting on, right there on the hood of my new car. I should’ve known, though, that would make it worse. And it did. I swear sometimes he sings that damned song in his sleep.

I have to admit, though, seeing Mark Calloway on that stage singing a Prince song is rather funny. His voice is so raspy that it doesn't quite sound right, but he’s singing it to me, so to me it sounds perfect.

I guess I should've closed my eyes when U drove me 2 the place
Where your horses run free
Cuz I felt a little ill when I saw all the pictures
Of the jockeys that were there before me
Believe it or not, I started 2 worry
I wondered if I had enough class
But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it all right
And U say - "Baby, have U got enough gas?"
Oh yeah!

I can’t imagine the courage it takes for him to get up there and sing that. This bar is packed tonight. I’m sure there’s a few Undertaker fans in here that are sitting there with their jaws on the floor right now. Let’s face it, Mark doesn’t look like the type of person that would know a bunch of Prince’s music, but you’d be surprised at the things that he knows and likes. You’d be surprised to know that he likes that old TV show called Mama’s Family wouldn’t you? I bet you don’t know that one of his favorite movies is Guys And Dolls either do you? Didn’t think so. I took him to see it on Broadway for our first anniversary. Major brownie points there. But really, I did it to see him smile, and dress up in a tux.

Wow, I didn’t even realize that the song was over. He’s putting on his jacket now, so I guess he wants to go home. I stand up and say good bye to our friends, as he holds my jacket out so I can slip it on. As we’re walking to the car I start to laugh.

“What you laughin’ about boy?” Mark asks me as I hit the alarm on my ‘vette.

“Oh nothing.” I say opening the door and looking across the top of the car at him. “It’s just funny that here we are, me and my buttercup getting into my little red corvette.”

He just looks at me with that look I’ve seen a thousand times before. You know, that look that says I’m not getting much sleep tonight.